Saturday, April 30, 2011

Reasons I Loved NY This Week-Vol. 2

-Foie Gras with Cinco Cebollas (5 types of onions!) at Casa Mono. Could have ordered 3 just for myself!
-Gramercy Park in full bloom. Peering in from outside the gate, watching the rich people frolic and daydreaming about someone mistakenly letting me in when they leave. Unfortunately for me, Gramercy Park is one of only two private parks in NYC, and you must live around its perimeter (a.k.a. be rich!) to get a key...Hello Uma Thurman!
-Sunshine! 'Twas an April Miracle. OFF TO CENTRAL PARK!
-Getting a beer at the happy hour price even though it was just after happy hour ended. Love Marshall Stack. New favorite bar!
-Brioche Donut Holes with Nutella Filling from Dessert Truck Works during my post-Passover rampage. Mmmmm best doughnut EVER (except for Doughnut Plant which is also amazing!)

Friday, April 29, 2011

I do, Harry! I DO!

Fifth Grade Journal Friday has been postponed in order to address what's on everybody's mind today: The ROYAL WEDDING! Unfortunately, due to my hectic work schedule, I was unable to attend. However, the Royal Family, especially Harry, will be in my thoughts today. 

Ever since I was little, I have always preferred Harry over William. That devilish smile and those adorable freckles. He is just my cup of tea (British pun intended)!! 

But today is about William, so congratulations to my future brother in law, William, and his lady Kate. I wish them as much happiness as I hope to one day have with Harry!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Profile Pic Advice from an Online Dating Pro (Me!)

I've been dabbling in online dating for YEARS. And I am always shocked by the profile pics men choose to represent themselves. Men, this is the FIRST thing the ladies are going to see when browsing though hundreds of profiles. Are you sure that photo of you running your hands through your hair while standing under a waterfall is going to reel her in? Here's a little list of pointers I threw together to help those men in need:

1. No pics of you with your shirt off, taken by you with your flip phone camera in the mirror. JUST BAD ALL AROUND! On so many levels...
2. This kind of relates to number 1, but also deserves a separate mention. PLEASE no pics of you with your shirt off, flexing your muscles. I don't know if you're kidding or not, but it's not funny!
3. Regarding food and drink: No pics of you looking sloppy drunk....or eating, with your mouth open. REALLY? Do I REALLY need to say this?
4. Save the head shots for your agent. You might look amazing in it, but it comes off as cheesy in this venue. Try for something more natural (but be sure to read the pointers listed here for guidance).
5. No pics of you with your sexy lady friends. I don't care if she's your sister, life coach or minister...Post it on facebook instead!
6. Now, this is a biggie. Pay close attention because heeding this advice could make all the difference for you: PLEASE, no pics of you that might intentionally or unintentionally make me think you might chop me up into little pieces and go for a joyride with me in the trunk of your car. Seriously, WAY too many men look like serial killers in their profile pics. What's up with that?

That's it really. Besides all that, have fun and be yourself! Unless "being yourself" involves posing shirtless making a "sexy" model face with your Pug in your arms or holding up a pair of open scissors with your eye peeking through them (both real examples I've seen! I save them on my computer in a folder called "Bad Dating Pics". If you ever come over I'll show you). Good luck out there, it's not easy!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Worst Slogan of the Year

If you guessed C Uniqlo's Dry Lux innerwear you are correct!! If you picked A or B, it is completely understandable, as I probably would have guessed those too. I'm sorry Uniqlo, but I think it's time to start searching for a new ad agency. That is, unless one of my many friends in the advertising biz worked on this campaign* in which case, BRAVO Uniqlo! BRAVO!!! A surefire pick for a Clio award!! In fact, I found the ad to be so inspirational, that I went out and bought me some Dry Lux for myself (This isn't true) and let me tell you, I've never felt so fresh or dry in my life!

*Ad friends, if you did work on this, please email me later, and i can retract this post. Sorry for offending you!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Where Bad Dates Go to Live on Forever

When my friend Emi told me about the website she and her friend started,, I think I heard angels sing! This site is MADE for people like me...People who go on bad dates ranging from bizarre to horrifying...and those who love reading about them! IT IS AWESOME!! has organized a reading this Sunday May 1st at 3pm at Bar on A ...and (warning: shameless self promotion to follow) I am really excited to get up there and say a few words about my own experiences in the dating world....To give you a sneak preview, I will be talking about third nipples, scary business ideas (see illustration above for reference), clogged toilets, and MUCH MORE! Hope to see you there!!

Monday, April 25, 2011

graffiti+sam's hallway=sad!

A few weeks ago, I found something in the hallway of my building that really disturbed me: Graffiti. But not just any graffiti...MATH GRAFFITI! That's right, folks, someone scrawled a math equation* on my wall. Who IS this person and have they no conscience (or napkin, or scrap of paper or calculator)? It wasn't even THAT hard of an equation, do it in your HEAD, DUM DUM! This person is obviously a bad seed, and the fact that he is recklessly roaming the hallways of my building is extremely unnerving. I'm onto you, Math Man. You and your simple addition cannot be trusted and will not be tolerated. One more sign of long division or adding fractions and I am calling the police!

*If you're wondering, the math equation was 22.15 + 15.00 and yes, he got it right!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Reasons I Loved NY This Week

-Mark Ruffalo live at Times Talks. He's even dreamier in real life than he is in the movies. Sigh!
-French kids belting out Edith Piaf on a subway ride.
-A free round of champagne at Yerba Buena, to encourage us to "stay longer" (Much better than that mediocre restaurant in Midtown (I know, a mediocre restaurant in Midtown...You're shocked!) that asked us when we would be leaving). Best place ever!
-A nighttime walk on Irving Place, staring at the Chrysler Building. So pretty lit up!
-A terrible date at Pete's Tavern, followed by a lovely dinner with friends at Cornelia Street Cafe, where I proceeded to completely trash my date to my friend, who I soon found out actually KNEW my date! Ah, such a small world, NY!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Fifth Grade Journal Friday-Who Do You Like?

Dear Sam,
What's up with all the weird salutations? Man, Babe....You sure were strange! How about the standard: "Dear Diary". It certainly is a classic!
Much Love and Concern, 

Well, anyways.....Sooo, before Travis finally asked me out, he did a little digging to find out who I liked. Very sneaky!! Of COURSE I said no to all the guys he mentioned because they weren't HIM! It only took a few weeks before he made his move...

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Uh, did you MEAN to email this to me?

For more info on pajama jeans, go here
UH OH! You didn't send that did you? You did? Oh NOOOOO!!!! You accidentally sent that embarrassing/incriminating/inappropriate email/IM to the wrong person, and odds are: they received it! Although it's never happened to me personally, it's a dangerously easy mistake to make. The wrong name pops up in your autofill, and then you casually hit SEND. By the time you realize what you've done, it's too late! You get that hot flash of panic. You desperately try to use your way with words dig yourself out of this, but to no avail! You just have to hope that time actually does heal all wounds...

My all time favorite instance of this, is the legendary Unicorn Intern photo in our office. Alexis thought it was hilarious so she decided to forward it on to Marian. Except instead of sending it to Marian, she sent it to Maria N by mistake. She got the shock of her life to realize she emailed it to the wrong person!

Please feel free to share your own email mishaps!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Please Don't Sit In Front of Me!

You know that guy you don't want sitting in front of you at the movies, or dancing near you at a concert? Well I am like a magnet for this guy. Wherever I am, whatever I am doing, that 8 foot tall guy with the sombrero or the unusually large fro finds me and plants himself RIGHT in front of me! So no surprise, when this happened at the Toro Y Moi concert at Bowery Ballroom last week. This guy had a big mass of black curly hair that went in directions I didn't even know possible. And he pushed his way in front of us faster than you can say "Get a haircut!". You should have SEEN his dance moves! This guy sure knew how to gyrate. We knew we were no match for him, so we moved ourselves away as quickly as possible!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Read Me

Once upon a time, in a land not too far from Bryant Park, there was a magical place where you could have everything you ever dreamed of and more...and for FREE! It's The New York Public Library! Last week I visited the Mid Manhattan Branch and I loved every second of it! It was my first time at the New York Public Library, and let me tell you, I was like a kid in a candy store. Non-fiction and memoirs and best sellers, OH MY! Dewey Decimal System, OH YEAH! Multiple floors of possibility. Whatever your passion or interest, the library's got something for you. And just GUESS how many books you can take out at one time? Nope, higher...HIGHER!!! Ok, fine I'll just tell you: FIFTY! That's right, fifty books at once. Who has the time to read this many books? Doesn't even matter, I just like that I COULD take out that many at once if I wanted to. I seriously can't wait to return!

Monday, April 18, 2011

I Will Miss You, Bread

HAPPY PASSOVER EVERYONE! As a carb loving Jew who dreads Passover every year (you can't eat any leavened products for eight torturous days. This includes pretty much anything yummy like bread, cookies, cereal, cake, cupcakes, brownies. NO LEAVENING+SAM=NO FUN!), I was delighted to stumble upon a recipe for homemade whole grain matzo in Food and Wine Magazine. It looked so bread-like, toasty and scrumptious! Oh, and there's one small catch: not kosher for Passover. HUH??? Thanks a LOT Food and Wine Magazine! Thanks for ruining my life! Oh well, I guess it could be kind of yummy to try anyway. I guess....

Friday, April 15, 2011

Fifth Grade Journal Friday-Sam, the Almost Pulitzer Prize Winning Poet

Today's post pains me. I look back at what could have been, and I feel nothing but regret. Back in the early 90's, I was obviously an extremely gifted poet, but I gave it up. And for what? I think about all the words the were never written, all rhymes that were never chimed, all the stories that were never told. It's too much to bare. Below, you will see one of the very few poems I have ever written. Take a moment to reflect, for it will move you deeply (At the top of the page, you will find a poem about a teddy bear, which I foolishly crossed out and never finished. More regret!):

Thursday, April 14, 2011

And the "I Can't Believe He's Still Single Award" Goes To...

Last week I received an email from someone on an online dating website, and I'll admit I was intrigued. But not in an "I'd Sure Like to Know More About This Young Fella" type way. More in a "Should I Change My Identity and Move to Another State Because He Knows What I Look Like" kind of way. Seriously, I could not BELIEVE the length and degree of creepiness of his email! More about the email:

number of paragraphs: 44

number of lol's: 10

number of times lol's were used in laughter inducing moments: 0

number of times word "chemistry" is used: 7 

number of times word "scintillating" is used: 2

number of times "millions of sparkling shining stars" is used:

most memorable lines:
-"I like a woman who knows what she wants in a man just like a hungry lion who has an avarice appetite without food for a month. lol"

-"Yes, I’m in a great mood since I just got back from an amazing trip to Las Vegas last week...Yes, I went on that fun Gondola ride at the Venetian and you see if you were with me, you could of sang on that Gondola and rock the boat with me! lol" 

-"Philly is one of my favorite destination cities close to home besides my annual trips to Paris, Venice, Maui and Los Cabos, Guanacaste Costa Rica." 

-"I build whole cities and resorts and you can dance and sing for me for me & create a great candle lit environment for a sensual and romantic dining experience. OK, we can be passionate after dinner with Buddha Bar music. You see, we are creative in our own way don't you think?"  

-"I know, you must be saying WOW right from my confidence level but, I can assure you that it’s for REAL and I could be addictive once you get to know me? lol"

-"I hope you don’t come back writing one Paragraph after my lengthy letter to you? lol"

-"If you read this far you practically pick up the phone and call me already and we would be having a romantic candle lit dinner together! lol" 

Can you believe this guy is still on the market!? Don't be jealous, people. One day, you too can find your Prince Charming! He could be just one click away.... I think my friend Alexis said it best when she said "What this guy needs is an editor, not a girlfriend"!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Bubble Letters Make It All OK

Gee golly, I love bubble letters! I realized this the other day when I was trying to pick a movie to go see. As soon as I stumbled upon the movie poster for "Happythankyoumoreplease" I knew it would be just my cup of tea. And it was! It was like a big vat of tea infused with cuteness, quirky characters, and an adorable backdrop (nyc). And I don't even DRINK tea! 

Bubble letters make it all OK! For example, the following statements written in any other font might offend or devastate. But not in bubble letter treatment! OH NO! See for yourself:

(Clouds never hurt either)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Brilliant Blog Idea or Just a Bad Dream?

I think I am getting a little too wrapped up in my blog: I actually had a dream last night where I came up w/ an awesome idea for a blog post. I remember thinking in the dream "You HAVE to write that down. It's so good! You must remember this!!" And do you want to know what my idea was?

"Don't you hate it when you give your camera to someone to take a pic of you and your friend and they crop the shot all weird? Like they cut off your feet..or they don't zoom in enough."

Wow, BRILLIANT! Actually, I think I might just leave that one out of rotation. Or maybe secretly I kind of think it is a good idea and I'm testing the waters with this post? Hmmmmm....

Monday, April 11, 2011

The Crazy Cat Man of 5th Avenue

Last week I was walking down 5th Ave, when I had one of those "Only In NY, Where the Heck is My Camera When I Need It" moments. A (crazy) guy was walking towards me holding a cat on top of his head, mumbling something unintelligible. I froze at first, but eventually fumbled through my purse for my camera. By then it was too late...The man had walked too far in the opposite direction, and in order to capture that moment on film, I would have to chase after him...And did I really want to chase after a man walking down Fifth Avenue holding a cat on his head? Who knew what this man was capable of!? I continued walking away from crazy cat man, knowing I could use my gift of conveying life through stick figure to portray the events of that day. See above!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Fifth Grade Journal Friday-He Likes Me! He Likes Me Not!

Sooo, before Travis, there was one another boy...gasp! But we didn't go out or anything, I just happened to see him write on his notebook that he loved me...

Wow, I was a tough cookie! I love that I had such high criteria for my boyfriends at such a tender age. Exactly how would he prove he was "very nice"? Would he give me an eraser? Pick me in gym class? Root for me not to die of Dysentery in Oregon Trail?

6 days later:

Too bad it didn't work out! Oh well, I moved on quickly anyway..Just a few weeks later I was gallivanting around the town with Travis, not slow dancing and not wearing his football jacket!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Ear Candles?

I recently learned about an alternative medicine practice called Ear Candling which is supposed to have positive effects on your health (Many doctors dispute this (surprisingly!)). I don't want to be that person who's not open to new ideas, but SERIOUSLY? AN EAR CANDLE? Is Wikipedia getting in on all the April Fool's day action? Did you SEE the pic in the article? This is the weirdest thing I have ever heard of in my life. If anyone has any information or experiences to prove otherwise, please share, but until then, please enjoy my cartoon inspired by ear candles:

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Do You BELIEVE My Poor Taste in Music? (Sung to Cher Tune)

I wish I could say I was kidding when I tell you the first tape cassette I ever bought was Cher's "Love and Understanding" (I was 11). I really wish I could. But, there, I said it! I never tried to pretend I was a normal child, and here's your proof. To be honest, I still love that song to this day. Go ahead, judge me! 

There's gotta be some song YOU like that's pretty embarrassing as well. The kind of song the makes you "accidentally" cover your i-phone so the person next to you on the subway/airplane/street can't see what you're listening to! Some of my other shameful favorites are:

-Peabo Bryson "If Ever You're In My Arms Again"
-Tina Arena (She's Aussie) "Sweet Sorrento Moon" -I'll admit, it's brought me to tears (of happiness) a few times!
-Anything Christopher Cross, but mainly "Sailing"

Um, how much time do you have? Because I could go on for about 10 hours, talking about my embarrassing musical taste!! But if it means anything at all, I also like some really cool socially acceptable bands too. Like CUT COPY, who i saw in concert Friday night. AMAZING! I think I might love them more than I love Momofuku Pork Buns, which is a LOT!!

Speaking of socially acceptable music, Urban Outfitters is offering free music for download here. Their mixes are always awesome! ENJOY!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Now that Bradley and Renee are over....

Am I the only one who wanted to break out a bottle of bubbly and cancel my subscription to when i heard Bradley Cooper and Renee Zellweger broke up? Do I REALLY think now I have a chance with him? Yeah, suuuuure....Now that Bridget Jones is out of the picture, I can finally make a move. She was the ONLY thing standing in my way!

Just need to sort out some last minute details: Should I take his name (Samantha Cooper? Samantha Ratman Cooper? Maybe even just "The Ratman"?)? Will we live in his Pacific Palisades home or my Gramercy studio? And most importantly, will I have to pretend I saw "Limitless" and say I loved it?

Think I still might pursue other avenues of dating while I wait for Bradley's call. Just in case! Never good to put all your eggs in one smokin' hot beautiful blue eyed basket!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Fun and Games in Naples!

It was all fun and games in Naples, Florida last weekend...and by games, I mean SCATTERGORIES!!! If you've never played, here's how it goes: Players get points for thinking of items in different categories starting with specific letters (decided by dice), all within intense 3 minute rounds. If someone comes up with the same answer as you, NO POINTS FOR YOU! It can be subjective, so players can vote on whether an answer is acceptable or not.

Sounds easy right? But trust me, it can get CURRRAZY! And the best part is when people get creative with their answers (as you sometimes do in times of desperation!). Here are some of my favorite answers from the weekend:

category: Item you don't want in your house 
starts with letter: O
answer given: orangutan
points given?: No, because both my mom AND I put "orangutan" down!! Can you BELIEVE IT? Great minds think alike? I wonder if we would have gotten a point if just one of us had put it down. I guess we'll never know!

category: Reason/Excuse for skipping school 
starts with letter: P
answer given: pancakes
points given?: No...Too much of a stretch...Nice try, Sissy!

category: Tool
starts with letter: P
answer given: plumb-bob
points given?: YES! My dad is probably the only person in the world who knows what a plumb-bob is and is able to grab it from within the depths of his (large) brain during a hectic match of Scattergories. GO DAD!!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Adopt a WHAAAT?

photos by AlexK100
You are not going to believe the article I read last week discussing New York's rat problem and what is being done to clean it up. I'll just say it really rattled me (pun intended!):

"In an attempt to fight the rat epidemic that has long plagued New York City, the government has launched a controversial program called 'Adopt That Rat". Although unconventional, the initiative encourages New Yorkers to welcome those 'cuddly creatures' into their homes as pets. The rodents will be collected from local streets, subways and garbage dumps and brought to the nearest animal shelter for preparations. Once the rats have been cleaned and given the proper vaccinations, they are ready to bring home.

City officials are hoping that shifting people's views on rats will help clean up the city, boosting tourism and spending. Instead of viewing rats as pests, they say we should 'name them, take them for walks, buy them rat clothes'. New Yorkers are embracing this new approach, as well as New York retailers who have quickly hopped on the band wagon. Specialty boutiques have launched their own lines of exclusive rat couture, selling rat hats called "Rats", high definition whisker extension creme, diamond encrusted collars, rat sneakers. They can't keep these items in stock.

One New Yorker can't imagine life without her new pet rat. "As soon as I get home from work, Mickey scurries to the door to greet me. This adorable little rodent has changed my life. Sometimes people give me dirty looks when I take him for a walk, but I know it is all worth it each time I look into his tiny rat eyes."

This is crazy. GOOD LUCK NY! By the way, if you haven't already figured it out, this is definitely an April Fool's Day joke. Of course I had to find a way to celebrate my absolute FAVORITE holiday of the year!! If anyone had any good jokes played on them, or pulled off any good ones themselves, please share!