A Special Memorial Day Post: Celebrating a Day Off From All the Mail!

Happy Memorial Day! On a national holiday like today, I celebrate a break from mail! Never-ending mail that endlessly collects, taking up valuable real estate in my small (but adorable!) studio apartment. Hundreds of magazines a month I never have time to read, bills, catalogs, credit card offers....It is a miracle I ever see the surface of my coffee table (a.k.a. the place I keep my mail until I have time to go through it). I embrace the rare occasion I receive a card or invitation, especially during the holiday season where lovely cards are aplenty (except for the ones from people (my super, mailman etc) gently reminding me to tip them. I don't like those!). Anyway, hope everyone is having a wonderful day off (from work, and from mail!)!

I Don't Want to SEE That-Offensive Locker Room Behavior

Why does everyone love being naked at the gym all the time? Is all that nakedness REALLY necessary? I THINK NOT! Here are just some of the nude moments that have left an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach:

You, NAKED, blowing drying your hair, with your leg up on a chair (Really? Leg up? Why?????).

You, NAKED, chatting with your friend about your weekend plans (Hopefully those plans involve buying a coverup, or something that will allow you to walk around the gym less naked). 

You, NAKED, picking up something that dropped on the ground (Maybe you were picking up a manual on how not to offend others in society?).

You, NAKED, with a towel on your head (If you already HAVE the towel, why not use it to cover up your lady parts?).

You, NAKED, checking your twitter (but strangely not tweeting about how weird it is that you're so naked).

You, NAKED, checking your voicemail (Hopefully someone was calling to request that you stop being so naked in public?).

You, NAKED, applying your makeup (If only you would apply some principles of decency instead!).

And it's never the pretty ones that are naked either!

Worst Ad Campaign of 2012 (So Far)....

You know those NY Lottery Powerball ads with the tagline  "Yeah, that kind of rich", and photos of lucky lottery winners doing any of the following:
-driving a car through THEIR OWN tunnel
-flying their HELICOPTER to the supermarket to pick up groceries

OOOOH! You mean the kind of rich where I still have to drive (or fly) myself to the grocery store, park my vehicle and buy my own groceries?????? GOODY GOODY GUMDROPS!! Winning the lottery sounds like everything I have ever dreamed of and so much more! I hope when I become extremely wealthy, I can still live in a tiny studio, take the subway, clean my own bathroom and try to only buy things on sale or with coupons. THAT WOULD BE AMAZING!

I'm going to go buy some tickets now! One step closer to my dream life!

And the Most Commonly Misused Expression Is...

I wish for once, someone would say "Long story short" and actually mean it!

Is Social Reader Damaging Your Reputation?

Do people REALIZE what their social reader is broadcasting to their newsfeeds??? And do these people REALLY want us to know they read that article on "How To Improve Your Duckface"? Here are some examples of crazy headlines I've seen lately (Ok, Ok, so I don't remember the exact headlines word for word, but I'm pretty sure these are close!):

pic via zugaldia

Here is a handy dandy article on how to prevent your friends from seeing all the embarrassing and weird things you read online! PLEASE READ THIS ARTICLE and if we're lucky, we'll NEVER know you read it!

Pet Peeves You Might Not Expect

If you were to ask my friends or family to describe me in just a few words, I'm sure they would say I am "extremely laid back" or "more low maintenance than a plant you never have to water".

[Cue laughter and gasps heard around the world]

Ok, ok, so maybe I have high standards, and every once in a while things irk me just a teensy weensy bit. Here are just a few of my favorite pet peeves:

The Only Problem With Seated Concerts....

Saturday night I went to go see one of my favorite bands, The National. THEY WERE AMAZING!! And the Beacon Theater is my new favorite venue. HELLO SEATING!! Yes, it's sad but true: my days of enjoying general admission are long gone. Now, I embrace the luxury of a nice cushy seat. No pushing to get to the front. No fighting with the sweaty (probably much younger and less wise) people bumping into you. It's concert going for old people, and I love it!

There's one small glitch though. The whole seating thing only works if EVERYONE sits down. If one or two people stand up and block the band for everyone else, the whole system is compromised. And that's exactly what happened Saturday night. There were two girls with particularly bad dance moves a few rows ahead that stood and "danced" at every chance they could get. They even got up during slow songs and kind of did this semi-sway thing (Who DOES that?). I felt bad for the poor people that sat directly behind them, as well as also feeling bad for myself!

Anyway, here's a clip of those dancing girls. I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying, but here's how I think their conversation would have gone:

By the way, for those of you who were offended by my "New Years Eve" comment, do not fret. I myself went to go see the movie last night, so it was all in good fun. And if you're wondering, the movie was even worse than I thought it was going to be! Oh well, they can't all be Oscar worthy, can they?

Netgear Vs. Netflix: Who Is More Baffling?

Speaking with customer service reps is never easy, is it? There's always a whole lotta confusion, frustration, and robotic talking (on their part, not mine!). Unfortunately for me, the cartoon above is based on completely true events. And do you know what I did? I ended up solving the problem myself, without their ridiculously expensive help! Take that, Netgear!

Farting at the Gym: WHY???

Dude (I don't say "Dude" often, but it feels appropriate here), it's just you and me on these treadmills...and I know that I myself didn't fart, so it must be you! Don't pretend you didn't do it. There's no one else in sight, you are sooooo busted! 

And on while we're venting about gym pet peeves, please don't do any of the following either: have loud conversations on your cellphone (get an office!), wear extremely strong perfume or cologne that makes it hard for me to breathe (as if exercise didn't make it hard enough), make loud grunting noises (where am I, Gold's Gym?). 

THANK YOU! Follow all these simple instructions and we will get along just fine. And I promise not to beat you up (have you seen my guns? I have been working out a lot lately! Who do you think is smelling all your farts?)

You've Got the Wrong Girl, Match.com

Look at the ad Match.com flashed on the screen after I signed out of their website!!!!

I am not kidding!!! Uh, seriously? Engagement rings and bridal jewelry?? Do you really think you're targeting the right audience? I haven't even gone on a ONE date with a guy I like more than the guy that sells me scratch off lottery tickets at the corner bodega, and now we're talking marriage? COME ON NOW! It's a bit too much too soon. As if I didn't have enough reasons to sign off of your site for good!

The Product of a Lifetime

I was just innocently looking up the local weather forecast when I stumbled on an ad* for a product that is going to change my life!! It's a skin cream (whose name I won't mention for fear that it might sell out) that promises to make me look about 30 years younger!!! Here are some actually pics they posted to reveal the dramatic results. I can't BELIEVE IT!!! See for yourself!!!

What did they mean by "try this weird solution"?? What's weird about it?? Looks pretty AMAZING to me!! Here's another ad that only confirms my initial suspicion: THIS PRODUCT IS AWESOME!!

If you read the fine print in the second ad, it says this is a "Dramatization". HUH? What does that mean? Is this not real? In any case, I am placing my order now, I'm not going to let another second pass me by. Wrinkles are for people that don't have the internet!!

*I swear to god this is a real ad I saw on the web! No Superimpose Me was involved here. It is 100% true! Crazy!

Damned If You Do Get Catcalls, Damned If You Don't

Netflix, You Are Qwikly Ruining Your Brand!

Oh, Netflix! What happened to you? You keep digging yourself further and further into a hole! QWIKSTER? SERIOUSLY?? That's the best name you could come up with? And you didn't think there was even the SMALLEST possibility someone already had that Twitter handle? If there's any chance you are thinking of changing your name again to fix all this, I've come up with some suggestions*...You're welcome to use any or all of them! And of course, feel free to thank me with a lifetime of free Netflix (a HUGE savings considering your recent price hike!)! 

*Please note, I have not checked to make sure any of these Twitter handles are actually available, so use at your own risk! On the other hand, the Twitter profile pics ARE available for use if interested.

If You Don't Know How to Fasten Your Seat Belt by Now....

Can I ask you something? Are there grown ups out there that actually do NOT know how to buckle their seat belt at this point in their lives? Every time I'm on a plane, they give detailed instructions on how to do so. You know, "Insert the tab into the buckle to fasten the belt, and lift up on the flap to release the belt". Thank GOD for that guidance! I'm sure that cleared up a lot of confusion for a lot of people. I know they are required by law to say this, but it baffles me nonetheless! 

I was also perplexed last weekend when the flight attendant announced that it was almost time for us to land, and we should discontinue the use of all electronic devices, including computers, cd players etc... I am not kidding, she actually said "cd players"!!! Seriously? Is this some sort of indication of the type of outdated technology they are using to fly that plane, because in that case I am concerned...very concerned!!

If You See a Big Nitrogen Tank, Say Something

If you live in NY, you've probably seen the anti-terrorism ads plastered all over the city, declaring: "If you see something say something". I always wondered if I should "say something" about those giant nitrogen tanks I see all over the place. Don't they look a tad bit sketchy to anyone else? I mean, if those things don't set off all sorts of alarm bells in your head, I don't know what will! Do not fret, apparently they are completely safe. They enable our internet and phone services to function, by keeping underground cables cool and dry. If you'd like to find out more, here is a handy-dandy video.

Pretty People Say the Darndest Things

Geez, extraordinarily pretty people have it so easy! Can you imagine average or unattractive people getting away with dialogue like this?

For those who don't want to actually watch the video, here is actual dialogue between Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling from "The Notebook":

Rachel: "You think in another life I could have been a bird?"
Ryan: "What do you mean?"
Rachel: "Like reincarnation"
Ryan: "I don't know."
Rachel: "I think I could"..[Rachel makes Bird Noises]..."Say I'm a bird."
Ryan: "No"...[Rachel flaps her arms like a bird]..."Don't do it"
Rachel: "Say I'm a BIRD!!" [Rachel runs to Ryan screaming in bird-like way]..."SAY IT!!"
Ryan: "You're a bird."
[Rachel and Ryan kiss]
Rachel: "Now say you're a bird too."
Ryan: "If you're a bird, I'm a bird."
[Rachel and Ryan kiss again]

RIDICULOUS!! Can you imagine if I tried convincing some guy I was dating to say I was a monkey (and then I started scratching my armpits and making ape noises)? You can be sure I would never hear from him again! Not fair!

The Avocado Dilemma

WHY OH WHY is it so hard to use an avocado before it's overripe??? Am I the only one who struggles with this on a regular basis? You buy it when it's hard as a rock, it sits patiently on your counter for days, and then by the time you remember its exists: BROWN AND MUSHY! The window of opportunity is too small, it's impossible! But I must say, there's nothing like catching an avocado at that moment it's perfectly ripe, so perhaps it's worth the struggle!

Graffiti Bandit Strikes Again

Well, he's at it again! The graffiti bandit left his mark in my building again: first, scrawling a capital "E" in the hallway outside my friend Michelle's apt (Shocking, I know! In addition to simply math, this guy knows his letters too!!), and then scrawling some typical graffiti tags in the stairwell. This is what I have to say to him: Dude, you either LIVE in Gramercy or KNOW someone who does...YOU'RE JUST NOT THAT HARD CORE!!! OOOOOH, what are you going to do next? NOT hold the elevator door open for someone? Or mix a plastic bottle in with the paper recycling bin? Get a life and start respecting your neighbors! Maybe sign up for an art class at SVA or something if you really want to leave your mark in this world?

Golden Rule of Facebook Tagging

As soon as I get that alert email from Facebook letting me know someone's tagged me in a pic, panic sets in. What now? Which unflattering moment is now being broadcast across the newsfeeds of all my friends and family? I know you probably think it's a cute pic of us, but that's because YOU look amazing in it! Did you even GLANCE at me to see what I look like? Because I'm pretty sure if you did, there is no way you would call more attention to this pic.

I'm sorry, but I have no choice but to untag myself. In fact, Not only am I going to untag myself, but I would also like you to remove that pic from the world wide web entirely. I don't need that photo showing up in Google images or some ad in the Czech Republic. Thank you so much!

Here's a general rule to follow: If I look like ANY kind of "before" picture, please don't tag me! The golden rule of Facebook tagging should be adhered to at all times: Tag unto others as you would have others tag unto you. To help you remember all this, I actually put together a little poem:

Sorry to nag,
But please don't tag
If I look like a hag,
Or if you see anything sag...
Only if I look like I should be on a cover of a mag.

What do you think!? Pretty catchy eh? And you thought my poet days were gone!

What Not to Wear At Trader Joe's If You Don't Want People to Think You Work There

If you're going to wear a Hawaiian shirt at Trader Joe's Wine Shop, I'm going to assume you're an employee...I'm sorry, but there's no avoiding it. This happened to me this weekend, I asked a guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt if he worked there...It turns out, he DID NOT, and he looked at me like I was crazy. YOU'RE THE CRAZY ONE, guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt at Trader Joes!!