Another Event You Must Attend!

If you missed the first Bad Date Great Story reading in May, you MUST come out this Friday night for another night of people divulging their most horrible dating moments. You have no excuse, I am giving you almost two days' notice! I will be saying a few words myself (I am the expert on bad dates after all!), so really hope to see you there!!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2011, 7:00pm
Bar on A, happy hour extended till 9:30pm (as IF you needed more of a reason to come!)

Worst Date Ever (NSFMTR-Not Suitable For Mom to Read)

A few days ago, I went on what will go down in history as the worst date of my entire life (and believe me, there have been a LOT). Here's a play by play:

-I went on a first date with Bob* to Aussie bar Sunburnt Cow (good pick Bob!). We were having a decent time so we decided to continue the date at Crif Dogs.
-On our way to Bua after that, we somehow started talking about what foods he eats (Don't ask! It made sense in context). We talked about lobster and oysters etc...Then he kind of whispered to me (in a slightly dirty voice) "That's not ALL I like to eat". I was like "Seriously? That's really inappropriate. I can't believe you just said that".
-Needless to say, things were a little awkward after that. Obviously disregarding any vibes of repulsion I might be sending out, he tried to make out with me at the bar. I was like "No way". He responded with "I thought it would be a good idea, because I'm kind of out of things to say" and I was like "Really? You have nothing to say to me so you want to make out? Maybe we should just end this, it's not really going that well is it?"
-We left the bar and said our goodbyes (Buh bye forevah, Bob!). As I crossed the street, he yelled out to me "Make sure you spell my name right on your blog" (I had told him about the blog earlier in the night, but thankfully I didn't tell him what the name was). I yelled back to him "What's your name again?"
-Shockingly, the next day I received a text from him saying he was glad I came out and he had a good time (HUH???? WERE WE ON THE SAME DATE?????)
-I wrote him back ""It was definitely interesting. Nice meeting you but I think we want different things. good luck!"

Yikes! It's really scary out there, people! I'm half tempted to join a convent (Just kidding, Mom! But then again, you shouldn't be reading this anyway, because it's NSFMTR!!) but I think I'll stick it out. I don't know if I'm a glutton for punishment or what but I'm still hopeful there's someone good out there for me. I'll keep you posted!

*Name has been changed to protect the creepy

Netflix and Sam: Two Hearts that Beat as One

There are so many reasons I love you, Netflix:

- You are there for me when I need you [instant streaming]
- You make an effort to get to know the important people in my life [offering free Netflix trials for my friends and family]
- You are reliable [always sending my mailed movies on time! How do you DO it, Netflix??]
- You know me like no one else does [suggesting movies I might like to watch]
- You care [asking how my picture quality was]
- You believe in an open line of communication [letting me know when you've received my movies, and when I'll receive mine]
- You're not afraid to admit when you're wrong [apologizing immediately for interrupted service and promising to credit my account]
- You are interesting [over 75,000 movies to watch!]
- You are always working to make yourself better [New movies added all the time!]

I could devote a whole blog to the reasons I love Netflix (and if the company paid me enough, maybe I would! Not that I'm a sellout or anything, but a girl's gotta find a way to fund her expensive eating habits, doesn't she?).

Missed Connections Are Awesome!

Am I the only one who's ever glanced at missed connections on Craigslist.com in the hope that some knight in shining armor I met in passing was looking for his beautiful princess (me!)? 

Last May, my cousins and I ventured out to 23rd street and 1st Ave on a mission to see Manhattanhenge. While we were there, I met a nice young man who looked just like Edward Burns. I don't know if it was the big ball of fire in the sky or what, but I really felt something between us! It was all very rushed, and no info was exchanged. But I definitely checked missed connections online the next few days to see if he was looking for me (he was not! BOOOOOO!!!). This is what I ASSUME he would have written:

You have to check out this adorable blog inspired by missed connections. The illustrations are absolutely beautiful!

If You're Going to Leave a Voicemail...

Dramatization, dialogue has been changed to protect the innocent (me)

Sam,
I think you're a lovely, charming person. I really do. But under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you EVER, I repeat EVER, call a guy without a completely scripted voicemail message. You were never good at improv on the stage, and are especially bad at it when attempting to leave a laid back, confident voicemail for some guy you've never met. You will say things you can never take back. You will stutter. You might repeat the same sentence twice (even though you're only saying about 4 sentences total)...You will be lucky if you make any sense at all. And you will most likely inspire him to never call you again. 

BE PREPARED! Don't leave these things up to chance! Do you think the writers of any hit TV shows leave their scripts up to chance? NO WAY! Not even REALITY TV is left up to chance, SAM! 

In fact, if at all possible you should avoid the phone all together. Email is a much better venue for you. You have a way with words, you really do.

Anyway, I wish you all the best! Good luck, and let me know how it all goes!

Sincerely,
Sam

P.S. Remember this?  Did anyone ever actually use that? The "Rap" is definitely my favorite although I found the "scary" one to be quite frightful.

I do, Harry! I DO!

Fifth Grade Journal Friday has been postponed in order to address what's on everybody's mind today: The ROYAL WEDDING! Unfortunately, due to my hectic work schedule, I was unable to attend. However, the Royal Family, especially Harry, will be in my thoughts today. 

Ever since I was little, I have always preferred Harry over William. That devilish smile and those adorable freckles. He is just my cup of tea (British pun intended)!! 

But today is about William, so congratulations to my future brother in law, William, and his lady Kate. I wish them as much happiness as I hope to one day have with Harry!

Profile Pic Advice from an Online Dating Pro (Me!)

I've been dabbling in online dating for YEARS. And I am always shocked by the profile pics men choose to represent themselves. Men, this is the FIRST thing the ladies are going to see when browsing though hundreds of profiles. Are you sure that photo of you running your hands through your hair while standing under a waterfall is going to reel her in? Here's a little list of pointers I threw together to help those men in need:

1. No pics of you with your shirt off, taken by you with your flip phone camera in the mirror. JUST BAD ALL AROUND! On so many levels...
2. This kind of relates to number 1, but also deserves a separate mention. PLEASE no pics of you with your shirt off, flexing your muscles. I don't know if you're kidding or not, but it's not funny!
3. Regarding food and drink: No pics of you looking sloppy drunk....or eating, with your mouth open. REALLY? Do I REALLY need to say this?
4. Save the head shots for your agent. You might look amazing in it, but it comes off as cheesy in this venue. Try for something more natural (but be sure to read the pointers listed here for guidance).
5. No pics of you with your sexy lady friends. I don't care if she's your sister, life coach or minister...Post it on facebook instead!
6. Now, this is a biggie. Pay close attention because heeding this advice could make all the difference for you: PLEASE, no pics of you that might intentionally or unintentionally make me think you might chop me up into little pieces and go for a joyride with me in the trunk of your car. Seriously, WAY too many men look like serial killers in their profile pics. What's up with that?

That's it really. Besides all that, have fun and be yourself! Unless "being yourself" involves posing shirtless making a "sexy" model face with your Pug in your arms or holding up a pair of open scissors with your eye peeking through them (both real examples I've seen! I save them on my computer in a folder called "Bad Dating Pics". If you ever come over I'll show you). Good luck out there, it's not easy!

Where Bad Dates Go to Live on Forever

When my friend Emi told me about the website she and her friend started, Baddategreatstory.com, I think I heard angels sing! This site is MADE for people like me...People who go on bad dates ranging from bizarre to horrifying...and those who love reading about them! IT IS AWESOME!!

Baddategreatstory.com has organized a reading this Sunday May 1st at 3pm at Bar on A ...and (warning: shameless self promotion to follow) I am really excited to get up there and say a few words about my own experiences in the dating world....To give you a sneak preview, I will be talking about third nipples, scary business ideas (see illustration above for reference), clogged toilets, and MUCH MORE! Hope to see you there!!

And the "I Can't Believe He's Still Single Award" Goes To...

Last week I received an email from someone on an online dating website, and I'll admit I was intrigued. But not in an "I'd Sure Like to Know More About This Young Fella" type way. More in a "Should I Change My Identity and Move to Another State Because He Knows What I Look Like" kind of way. Seriously, I could not BELIEVE the length and degree of creepiness of his email! More about the email:

number of paragraphs: 44

number of lol's: 10

number of times lol's were used in laughter inducing moments: 0

number of times word "chemistry" is used: 7 

number of times word "scintillating" is used: 2

number of times "millions of sparkling shining stars" is used: 1 

most memorable lines:

-"I like a woman who knows what she wants in a man just like a hungry lion who has an avarice appetite without food for a month. lol"

-"Yes, I’m in a great mood since I just got back from an amazing trip to Las Vegas last week...Yes, I went on that fun Gondola ride at the Venetian and you see if you were with me, you could of sang on that Gondola and rock the boat with me! lol" 

-"Philly is one of my favorite destination cities close to home besides my annual trips to Paris, Venice, Maui and Los Cabos, Guanacaste Costa Rica." 

-"I build whole cities and resorts and you can dance and sing for me for me & create a great candle lit environment for a sensual and romantic dining experience. OK, we can be passionate after dinner with Buddha Bar music. You see, we are creative in our own way don't you think?"  

-"I know, you must be saying WOW right from my confidence level but, I can assure you that it’s for REAL and I could be addictive once you get to know me? lol"

-"I hope you don’t come back writing one Paragraph after my lengthy letter to you? lol"

-"If you read this far you practically pick up the phone and call me already and we would be having a romantic candle lit dinner together! lol" 

Can you believe this guy is still on the market!? Don't be jealous, people. One day, you too can find your Prince Charming! He could be just one click away.... I think my friend Alexis said it best when she said "What this guy needs is an editor, not a girlfriend"!

Now that Bradley and Renee are over....

Am I the only one who wanted to break out a bottle of bubbly and cancel my subscription to findyourfacemate.com when i heard Bradley Cooper and Renee Zellweger broke up? Do I REALLY think now I have a chance with him? Yeah, suuuuure....Now that Bridget Jones is out of the picture, I can finally make a move. She was the ONLY thing standing in my way!

Just need to sort out some last minute details: Should I take his name (Samantha Cooper? Samantha Ratman Cooper? Maybe even just "The Ratman"?)? Will we live in his Pacific Palisades home or my Gramercy studio? And most importantly, will I have to pretend I saw "Limitless" and say I loved it?

Think I still might pursue other avenues of dating while I wait for Bradley's call. Just in case! Never good to put all your eggs in one smokin' hot beautiful blue eyed basket!

Bizarre New Dating Website

adapted from photo by BurgTender

I recently read an article in New York Magazine about a new online dating service called findyourfacemate.com and let's face it, I was intrigued!! Here's the premise: Using facial recognition technology, the website matches you up with partners who have similar facial features/structure (you can then sift further through those matches and find people who have similar interests/values to you). Apparently, we are more likely to be attracted to people that look like us. I sooo signed myself up! The full site should be launching later this month. I'll let you know if I find someone, I'm sure they'll be adorable! 

P.S. Is anyone else really disturbed by the photo on this post? I ran it by a few people before I posted it, and they didn't even know how to put into words how it made them feel. Eventually, the words "disturbed", "creeps me out", "speechless" were mentioned. I really don't even know how to process the image myself!

This Could Be My Big Break....

Ok, so I don't want to get too excited, but I'm pretty sure my BIG BREAK is just about to happen! I was recently contacted by an online dating website to see if I would be interested in having a first date (with someone from the site) filmed for this ad campaign they're doing. HECK YEAH I'M INTERESTED! With all the ridiculous things that happen to me on dates, there's NO WAY someone's NOT going to offer me my own reality show after they see this! Maybe I'll even fall in love and we can have our first date on film. What a great "how we met" story to tell the grandkids! 

One idea for my reality show:

photos of Sam and Brian by Alexis Winslow

So back to the ad campaign opportunity...I went to the production studio yesterday to do a 5 minute on-camera interview. It was really fun! As you can probably tell, I really enjoy talking about myself and my bizarre dating stories, so this was the perfect place for that. 

I'm sure there are LOTS of people "auditioning" so I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but you never know! Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted...

Breaking Up with Your Fruit Man is Hard to Do

 

It all started with a fruit man on 28th Street and Fifth Ave. I used to swing by his fruit cart every morning on my way to work. Things were good for years. They were real good. But all of sudden that changed. He started selling me fruit with bruises, trying to convince me to buy more apple than I wanted. I felt cheated. I knew it would never work. I needed to start seeing other fruit men. The seed was planted and there was no turning back.

This was not going to be easy. I still had to pass this ex fruit man every day on my commute to work. I got a pit in my stomach every time i walked by him. ESPECIALLY since I was holding an incriminating black plastic bag filled with the ripe fruits of another man.  I had heart palpitations. What would happen if our eyes locked? Would it drive him bananas to see me?

In time, I started seeing a fruit man on 23rd and Broadway. Things were amazing. He understood me like no other fruit man ever did. He would recommend new fruits he thought I would like. "Don't buy those peaches, they're not sweet enough for you". I was the apple of his eye. Unfortunately my relationship with him was doomed from the start. Soon after I started seeing him, I moved to a far away neighborhood (the Upper East Side), and he was no longer on my way to work.

It has been years since these fruitful relationships, and although there have been other fruit men since, none could ever compare. I mostly buy my fruit from the supermarket now. It's slightly more expensive, but much less complicated. And you can't put a price or fruit sticker on that peace of mind!

I See Forever with You, Forever Stamp

adapted from a pic by Benimoto

Ahhh....I remember a time when postage stamps were just 25 cents! And now they're up to a whopping 44 cents (and constantly increasing)....So when the US Post Office introduced the Forever Stamp, my life was changed, well, forever....

In a world of uncertainty, I know I can count on you, Forever Stamp. Since you first walked through that door in 2007, I knew things would never be the same. You had me at Forever. You are a guardian angel watching over me, as prices continue to soar. I turn to you, Forever Stamp, to send off checks that I for some reason cannot send using my bank's online Bill Pay. If I need to send out a thank you card, I know you've got my back. There's no envelope you wouldn't adhere yourself to for me, and for that I am eternally grateful. Words cannot express what you mean to me. It's you and me forever, Forever Stamp!

special candlelit dinner, adapted from a pic by Frerieke

a romantic sunset, adapted from a pic by Hulivili

Valentine's Day-Through the Years

Valentine's Day circa 1991: 

Popular, AND modest too!

Valentine's Day 2006: I had no boyfriend and no special Valentines Day plans...It was just a typical day in the life of me! I stopped into a few shops on 5th avenue after work...As I was walking home, a guy was stumbling towards me from the other direction. It definitely looked like he was drunk. As he passed by me, he reached out his hand (which apparently had a bottle of some sort of hard liquor in it) and dumped the liquor over my head!! I was shocked and upset...I screamed out to him that he was an A$$hole, and before I knew it, he was gone. I walked all the way home crying w/ crunchy liquor soaked hair in the freezing cold (in hindsight, this might have been one of those times where splurging on a cab would have been a good idea)...WORST VALENTINES DAY EVER!! How come crazy things like this only happen to me?

Valentine's Day 2011: I arrive in sunny Melbourne! One of my faaaavorite cities in the whole wide world (sorry New York!). Happy Valentine's Day to me!!! Which leads me to the bad news: Since I will be in Australia for a few weeks, I might not be so good about updating my blog. I will try my hardest, but I might be too busy eating Tim Tams and frolicking on the beach. Don't worry, I'll be back before you know it!

It was a good date, on paper

Richard knew I love cookies, so he planned a COOKIE PICNIC for our first date! What is a cookie picnic, you ask? It's where you sit on a bench in Washington Square Park, and eat milk and cookies. I had a feeling this was going to be good...

Well this particular day was the hottest and most humid day of the year so far. We were dripping with sweat! After a bit of talking, i had noticed his right eyebrow had some hairs brushed out of place...Kind of made him look like he was raising his eyebrow, intrigued by everything i was saying (which would be completely understandable). I debated whether or not to say anything...

But finally i was like "Ok, i just have to fix your eyebrow" and I put my hand up to try to fix it..and that's when he said "Actually, that's just the way my eyebrow is...Don't worry, people try to fix it all the time..Even my hairdresser tried to shave that part off..But my grandmother has the same eyebrow so i kind of like it".

                         adapted from a photo by Lee J Haywood

I never heard from Richard again after that date, but I did learn a really cool dishwasher trick from him (You know it's a hot date when you're trading kitchen tips!). Here's how it works: When you put your cutlery away in the dishwasher, put all the spoons in one section, all forks in another, and knives in the third. This way they're already sorted when it's time to empty the dishwasher. So simple but it's completely changed my life. Thanks, Richard!!

And the search for a perfect mate continues...

My Date with "Miguel"

Way too often, I feel like I am on an episode of Candid Camera or in some movie with zany antics (that I would probably switch off)... I swear, the craziest things happen to me!

A few nights ago I went out with this guy Michael. We were sitting at the bar talking, when I noticed the crazy guy next to us staring at my date. I tried to ignore it, but eventually, Crazy Guy started mumbling something to Michael..."Miguel? Miguel?" Finally Crazy Guy said louder, "Sorry to interrupt, but you look exactly like my cousin Miguel." He proceeded to tell us Miguel's entire life story* and show us a pic (in which a woman was kissing Miguel's cheek. I pretended to be outraged!). HOLY MOLY! Miguel seriously did look exactly like my date...Not to mention they had the same name! We all had a good laugh, reenacted the infamous pic for Crazy Guy to photograph, and Crazy Guy bought us a round of drinks....Good times were had by all (especially Crazy Guy)!

*In addition, crazy guy hijacked our date for about 45 minutes to tell us his whole life story: He is 40 years old but looks so much younger! Divorced with 4 kids, manages 3 buildings on UES...For a year, he's been dating a 50 year old woman who has a great bod and is amazing in the sack (i've never seen or heard so many hand gestures or sounds to represent this). They met through Crazy Guy's ex girlfriend who he dated 14 years ago. He makes his own Moonshine and sells it to the Jews (?). When Crazy Guy was in elementary school, he dated an identical twin, and the only way he could tell her apart from her sister was a mole she had on her back. One time he kissed the wrong twin by mistake! It went on and on..Oh Crazy Guy, you so crazy! And you sure know how to set the mood for a romantic date!

adapted from an image on Karen's Whimsy

 

We need to talk, Ryan Gosling

Dear Ryan Gosling,
I don't know how to tell you this, Ryan Gosling, but this isn't working out. It's not you, it's me. I've met someone else. His name is Garrett Hedlund, and it was love at first sight! He's got a twinkle in his eyes that could light up the inside of a million refrigerators with the doors completely shut...That smile, that voice (that was REALLY him singing in "Country Strong"! HOT!)....Yes, PLEASE! I DO, Garrett! I WILL!

But you probably don't want to hear all that, Ryan Gosling. It IS actually over, Ryan Gosling. It is. Time to move on! I will never forget the time we spent together. Stay strong!

Sincerely,
Samantha Hedlund

I Heart Ramen...and Dates!

photo made possible by Char Ong's Camera

When it comes to good food, I am like the U.S. Postal Service: "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night" will keep me away! So yesterday I trekked through the snow to eat a solo lunch at Ippudo, and it was worth every sludgy splash to get there. So goooooood! And I got this awesome t-shirt that says "I Heart Ramen". What day off from work could be better?
 
As I slurped my Ramen, I reminisced about the first time I ever went to Ippudo. It was a second date with this guy Matt I was seeing. We ordered this delicious appetizer that came with 5 pieces of shrimp. When it came time to decide who would get the last shrimp, we went back and forth a few times offering it to each other (cute, right? I definitely thought we were soul mates!) and then finally he said, "I couldn't possibly take it. I actually had a lot of Mentos before dinner". HAHAHA!! I wasn't sure at the time if he was kidding or serious (it turned out he was actually serious) but I thought it was hilarious. He also admitted to me that he once got a knee injury (I think it was a torn meniscus?) from tossing and turning in his bed. That gave me a good laugh too. This guy definitely got a third date!
 
Moral of the story is: Ippudo is awesome! Go on dates! Go alone! Perfect way to spend a snowy afternoon. (R)Amen to that!